A ripe old tale

WITHOUT Jacky by my side I’m lost here in Mexico. I may walk with a swagger exuding confidence, but I know that if I’m confronted and engaged in conversation all that confidence is lost.

I can openly admit that. It’s a fact, an undisputable fact.

As mentioned before I speak enough Spanish to get by (admittedly right up until the point when the other person replies…) and there are times when I am way out of my depth.

However, whatever country you’re in, there is this strange anomaly that is the ‘squeeze’ test when searching for ripe fruit.

And that’s what I really want to talk about here today.

Last week I went shopping with Jacky’s family for groceries while she worked.

I spotted a pretty nice-looking watermelon in the fresh fruit and veg section and intimated to her mother that Jacky would like it (imagine me simply saying “Jacky” and then giving a thumbs up).

Without warning Jacky’s mum began forcefully squeezing, slapping, knocking and tapping every watermelon in sight. And I mean seriously giving them a beating.

And no-one batted an eyelid.

I would have called it GBH on fruit.

Those who know the trick call it clever shopping I guess.

I have no point of reference over whether the noise generated by slapping a melon is good or not.

So there I am stood in the middle of the shop beating these things, and then asking random Mexican shoppers: “Esta bueno? Esta bueno?!”
How do you know if the slap makes the 'right' sound? Does this watermelon sound better than that one?!

I don’t even eat watermelon so how am I supposed to know how it's supposed to SOUND when you hit it?

When you buy a car you don’t jump up and down on it to test the suspension right?

Christ, maybe you do!

Witnesses sought for papaya assault

Anyhow, so who’s ever joined a group of people mid-conversation and laughed out-loud at the end to try and fit in, only for everyone to just turn stare, silently and blank-faced?

I think we’ve all been there at some point.

And it’s happened a few times to me here in the last few months.

While it wasn’t necessarily a conversation I was part of, this very thing happened to me last weekend at the cinema.

You see, every film screened here is shown in Spanish, or in English with Spanish subtitles.

Jacks and I went to see Skyfall and there were ample opportunity for me to make a fool of myself by laughing out-loud... solo.

I always forget that while I understand every gag immediately, (because it’s in English) it takes time for people to read the subtitle, digest the dialogue, and laugh.

While I didn’t turn around, I could feel 300+ eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.

Jacks just laughs at me instead of the film’s gag. And then proceeds to throw popcorn in my direction.

One thing I simply can’t get used to over here is the way people talk in the cinema. And I’m not talking about “wow, that was a great fight scene” or “that’s so funny”, I’m talking about full-on conversations about what they ate last night, what Rafael thinks of Marcella, or the new store that’s opened in the mall.

Jeez. Jacks and I were watching the latest Bourne film a couple of months ago and the girl sat next to me answered her phone and began having a whole conversation.

At least I learned some Spanish that day from Jacks.

Namely the word ‘callate’.

Oh, and what’s with people cheering on the main character and frikkin APPLAUDING at the end of a film?! Now that is weird. Are the characters going to bow as part of the credits?

Also, who’s been to a 4D cinema? My first experience was the aforementioned Bourne flick.

At times your seat shakes like you’re sat in the car taking part in the high-speed chase, fans blow when a scene is windy or exposed, and perfume and scent is pumped throughout the auditorium when the characters walk through a forest or wherever.

Pretty cool. Unfortunately Bourne was probably not the best flick to see in 4D. As you can imagine a lot of people get taken out by single sniper gunshots.

And as part of the experience of course you get a violent and unexpected jolt in your back from the seat.

Hey, so a big HELLO to all you new visitors.

To date the blog’s had nearly 4,000 page views since July, which is pretty great. Awesome in fact.

It’s been read in the UK, US, Mexico, Russia, Australia, Italy, Belgium, Libya, Canada, Qatar, Latvia and Sweden among many other countries.

For those who aren’t following me on Twitter or Facebook, I try to update the blog about once a week, once I’ve gone and made a fool of myself in some place or another.

Writing this puts everything in perspective and keeps me sane I guess.

Thanks for lending me your eyes.

Big love x